Today's Bible Lesson with Val Kilmer

Here is an edited version of what I managed to record from television late last Friday night of Kilmer speaking some bizarre bullshit on behalf of Christian Science Publications, 2009. He spent an hour alternately reading from The Holy Bible and Science & Health.
His mind has been thrown in the slammer!!! HALP!
And though I tried to resist, I had to throw in a funny bone or three.

I half expected him to break in to "How silly can you get?" from TOP SECRET at any moment.

SATAN HAS BEEN PARALYZED

The Devil is a blabbermouth,
distorting every fact;
but the truth is he's a loser
since Jesus broke his back...


Make way fer Captain Hook and his Christian Pirate Crew,
ya scalawags!


Gather close, ya landlubbers, and learn how to be a good little pirate on the High Seas of Faith ...

Ol' Slewfoot calls the good Cap'n a FATSO in front of the young'ns!
Let's listen in ...

Captain Hook. The former "bad seed" biker who lost a hand and a leg in a traffic accident, gave his life to the Lord, and decided the best way to spread the Gospel was to assume the guise of a bandit and encourage inflicting bodily harm on the Enemy. The man who gave us the "Christain Pirate Rap." The man who performs on-camera autopsies on "sinners" for the educational benefit of today's wayward youth ("What's this? A beer can?! Oh, gross!!"). The man for whom Jesus was made to walk the plank.
He walked the plank for you, too. And for me.
Avast, and a-men.