Monday, March 31, 2008

HAG (sung to the tune of Madonna's Vogue)

my loving salute to character actresses and the screen ladies over a certain age.


What Are You Looking At?

Let it sag.
Let it sag.
Hag, Hag, hag
Hag, Hag, hag

Look around everywhere you turn you’ll find them
In shawls, or covered in lace (just look around)
You try everything you can to ignore
The pain of life on their face [it’s on their face]

When all else fails and you long to be
Something younger than you are today
I know a place where you can get away
It's called a movie show, and here's where they go, so


Come on, hag
Be a hard-working character actress [character actress]
Hag, Hag, Hag
Come on, Hag
Let your careers go with the flow [go with the flow]
You know you can do it

All you need is a great talent-agent
So use him that's what he’s for [that's what he’s for]
Look inside your bag, make sure y’have your medication
Make youngin’s open the door [open up the door]

It makes no difference if it's gray or white
In a bun or up with a curl
When the producer calls for a matronly wife
You're a superstar, yes, that's what you are, you know it

Come on, hag
Be a hard-working character actress [character actress]
(Hag, Hag, Hag)
Let it sag
Let your careers go with the flow [go with the flow]
You know you can do it

Take it where you can get it
so don’t cry or over-fret it
The gypsy hag of a musical
That's where you’ll feel so beautiful
Magical, Lucille Ball
So get onto that soundstage

Come on, hag
Be a hard-working character actress [character actress]
Hag, Hag, Hag
Let it sag
Let your careers go with the flow [go with the flow]
You know you can do it

Hag, [Hag]
Take it where you find it [move to the music]
Hag, [Hag]
Hags will have to bind it [go with the flow]

Beulah Bondi, Alice Pearce
Mary Wickes, they were fierce
Barbara Pepper, LaWanda Page
Broads who all embraced their age

Marie Dressler; Billie Burke
After 50, made it work.
Shirley Booth, a classic frump
Gladys Cooper, with a dowager’s hump

They had wisdom, they had sass
Marjorie Main, kicked some ass
Ellen Corby, embraced her grays
Bette Davis in her Disney Days

Ladies with their flab unfurled,
Jayne Mansfield’s Wild Wild World
Don't just stand there, let's get to it
Be a hag, there's nothing to it

Hag, Hag, Hag, Hag

Oooh, you've got to
Be the old bag on that marquee
Oooh, you've got to just
take a cue from dear ol’ Aunt Bea
Oooh, you've got to just,
Hag !

Friday, March 28, 2008

Cheri Caffaro

Chris Pissah turned me on to Cheri and was kinda surprised I hadn't seen her "Ginger" films. Ginger is a wealthy, well-educated political science major and former cheerleader, who is (without any clear explanation) recruited to break up a drug and prostitution gang on the Jersey Shore. Naturally, Ginger goes undercover which means topless bikini fights, helping hookers overcome their hatred of men by having lesbo sex with them, and dirty dancing with men up agains a pole, when she's not driving her flashy gold corvette. In a way, it's like the female Dolemite. Cheri is oddly unsettling ... she's bone-thin and super-platinum, but riveting nonetheless.

Here's the second in the Ginger series, "The Abductors," and like "Ginger," written and directed by her husband at the time, Don Schain, who is currently a producer on - of all things - High School Musical 3:

Here's an interview w/her from a few years ago. She didn't seem too happy to be found. Highlight:
To promote Ginger's theatrical release, Caffaro accepted her publicist's dare, to participate in a naked interview with esteemed New York Post columnist Earl Wilson in the Sherry Netherland Hotel in midtown Manhattan. (Wilson was fully clothed.)

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Ida Lupino

Ida Lupino (February 4, 1918 – August 3, 1995) was an English film actress, director, and a pioneer among women filmmakers.

Lupino was a 1940s film star at Warner Bros. (Lupino often joked that she may have been the "poor man's Bette Davis" as an actress.) After a suspension from Warners in 1947, she focused on getting behind the camera. In 1948 she and her husband Collier Young formed their own filmmaking company, The Filmmakers. In 1950, when the director of "Not Wanted" suffered a heart attack, Ida took over as director; it was the start of another career for her. She began directing full-time, mostly 50s film melodramas, and was one of the few women of her era to achieve success in this field.

Lupino continued acting throughout the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s, and her directing efforts during these years were almost exclusively television productions such as Alfred Hitchcock Presents, The Twilight Zone, The Donna Reed Show, Gilligan's Island, 77 Sunset Strip, The Ghost & Mrs. Muir, The Rifleman, Bonanza, The Untouchables, The Fugitive, and Bewitched.

Watch her episode "A is for Aardvark" - the definitive fan-fave Bewitched episode. Originally, The Ashers (Bill and wife Liz Montgomery) wanted to do a sitcom called "The Fun Couple" about an absurdly rich heiress who marries a car mechanic. Eventually they were steered into the supernatural angle of witch marries mortal. The touching scene towards the end of this episode reiterates the show's core premise: that witchcraft (or rich-craft) is no substitute for love, affection and goals achieved through your own merit.

Monday, March 24, 2008


..that Al Gore's daughter, Kristen, had to rip-off Mr. John Waters for her feature debut project, NAILED, a David O. Russell-directed "rom-com" in pre-production in the Palmetto State. Cast in the leads: Jessica Biel and Jake Gyllenhaal.

From IMDb:

"A political satire in which Biel play Sammy Joyce, a socially awkward receptionist who gets hit in the head with a nail in an accident. This triggers her wild, sexual urges which causes her to fight in Washington for the rights of the bizarrely injured."

Synopsis of A DIRTY SHAME:

"An uptight, middle-aged, repressed woman turns into a sex addict after getting hit on the head, and she then falls into an underground subculture of sex addicts in suburban Baltimore."

Well, never mind! I will always prefer Johnny Knoxville to Jakey any day!

"One day we're going to discover a brand new sex act, one that's never been performed before. And we hope you'll be with us on that day of carnal rapture!"

Dino + ZsaZsa et voila!

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Peep Show

Easter is upon us and knowing that Donna has a pathological hatred of Peeps, I feel that it is my duty as one of her oldest and dearest friends to exploit her fears for our entertainment. Here are some movie parodies that have been recast with marshmallow Peeps. Enjoy!




Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Goofy Gophers - " indubitably "

When you mix the traits of pathological politeness with a dash of inquisitiveness and occasional maliciousness along with the vocal talents of Mel Blanc and Stan Freberg - you get Warner Brothers' GOOFY GOPHERS. They were featured in nine Looney Tunes films from 1947 through 1965 and later called "Mac and Tosh".

Designed by Warner Brothers director Bob Clampett as an antidote to Disney's sacharrine Chip 'n Dale, these pesky yet extremely well-mannered gophers were inspired by movie actors Edward Everett Horton and Franklin Pangborn.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

More Quizzes!

Mark and I are just in that game-show mood. IMDB's keywords are so off the beam - not on the level of Amazon-reader reviews, but strangely random and bizarre.

Guess this Oscar-winning film:
Plot Keywords:
Singer / Topless Woman / Desert / 1950s / Piano

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Georgie Pudgie - unforgettable sexPOT.


without cheating and running to imdb

Q. What is the flick that gives us original big poppa George Kennedy in a love scene (with him showing skin)?

anybody? anybody?


Though George Kennedy did have a on-screen makeout scene in 1973's long lost "Lost Horizon" the Musical (starring Bobby Van), Kennedy had his biggest love scene in:

Airport '79 : The Concorde

George Kennedy had played Joe Patroni as chief mechanic in all the Airport films, except in the last and worst film of the franchise -- Patroni was re-written as a Concorde pilot !

and Kennedy (Capt. Patroni) ends up in the sack with Bibbi Anderson (a Parisian hooker). Now that's entertaiment! As studly Patroni tells a stewardess earlier in the film: "They don't call it the COCKpit for nothing, honey."

When Kennedy recounts his steamy night with his lady friend, his co-pilot Alain Delon answers, "For 2,000 francs she better have been special. As you Americans say; A real pro."

Here's another trivial funfact: Airport '79 is the only film of the series without one passenger carrying Louis Vuitton luggage. The film does have the original unchecked bag Martha Raye as comic relief, and Jimmie 'J.J'. Walker smoking weed in the lavatory though.

Electra Awful!

My sister used to love the Sid and Marty Krofft show “Electra Woman and Dyna Girl” when she was a pre-teen. I don't know why, but I decided to see if the opening credits were on you-tube so I could remind her of her young obsession. Of course it was... what isn't on you-tube? Besides the horror of having the theme song playing in my head for weeks now, I also discovered that in 2001, Sid and Marty tried to revive the show, “updating it” for a modern audience. This apparently meant that Electra Woman had to be a drunken, divorced trailer trash sex addict ( she is shown leaving the men's college locker room after a gang bang in one scene) while Dyna Girl was out of the picture, “blowing the ex-husband” we are told! Who was this “re-imagining”of a children's show aimed audience supposed to be? The actual story-line is very low budget after school special in plot. The young saved by Electra Woman as a child in turn saves the hero from her demons and becomes the new Dyna Girl after thwarting the lamest robbery ever. If this had ever hit the airwaves, who would have watched it? Well, practically everyone reading this blog.

On a side note, my research also discovered the star of “Wonderbug” John Anthony Bailey had an interesting life after his career as a children's TV star ended he became a sought after actor, writer and crewman... in porn. You may remember him from such films as “let me tell you about white chicks” and “sex fifth avenue (which he also wrote).

See what hanging around creepy puppets will do for your career!

Friday, March 7, 2008

"Tell Frank, Dean & wait!"

yup-- that's right. Neely O'Hara (Patty Duke) wows them at the Cystic Fibrosis Telethon - and Joey Bishop tells the stage manager to tell the Rat Pack to cool their heels.

watch the beads frame her boobs. classic.

Patty admitted on The View that she didn't do her own singing on the film soundtrack.

That's probably why she sounded "like a frog" when she DID do her own vocals on the "Patty Duke sings Songs from Valley of the Dolls" solo LP.

You know you're part of a cult film when they imitate your flubs 40 years later. Here's Kate Flannery of NBC's The Office doing a wicked Neely.

We Never Learn, Do We?

Ever wonder why? I just found a treasure trove listing of educational films. Some highlights:

Video 300
Teens/Adults 59 minutes 1997
With Linda Ellerbee. Highlights the lives of addicts with hospital and police statistics. Highlights from a radio call-in show for alcoholics.
Oh, I want this just to hear those calls!

Alone In The Dark
Grades 7-12 26 minutes 1993
A guardian angel steps in to show a seventeen year old student that drinking and driving under the influence is a choice. Her decision could be fatal to her boyfriend, younger sister, and even herself.
Guardian angel portrayed by Jayne Mansfield.

Alternatives to Spanking (Part 1): Red White and Bruises
Adults 15 minutes 1997 Why parents spank their children and what they can do instead. Instead?!

Art Of Setting Limits, The
Adults 50 minutes 1991
You'll witness the build-up of heated, potentially dangerous confrontations taking place in various settings. Defusion, de-escalation and limit-setting are demonstrated.
Whoo-hoo! Sounds like my family at Xmas!

Cadillac Dreams
Teens/Adults 30 minutes 1989
Compelling drama of two young men: one who succumbs to the lure of the drug culture; and the other, his younger brother, who courageously holds on to his dreams.
Who wants the caddy - the good one or the bad one?

Cat Who Drank and Used Too Much, The (with sign language)
Grades 1-5 12 minutes 1982
Delightful tale that deals with addiction in a positive, non-threatening way.
Yes, drunken animals are just delightful.

Check It Out
Youth/Teens 11 minutes 1986
Music-video style portrayal of the misperceptions youth have of chewing and dipping.
(? - am I missing something?)

Cruel Spirits: Alcohol & Violence
Teens/Adults 32 minutes 1989
Everyday, thousands of Americans get drunk and in many instances, something violent occurs. Cruel Spirits reveals how alcohol is often responsible, yet rarely blamed for these tragedies, and that the extent of alcohol-related violence is both grossly under-estimated and under-reported.
What's Cruel Spirits? I've never drank that!

Drug Avengers
Grades 1-5 75 minutes 1990
Animated film that is set in the year 2050. Planet Earth has a terrible drug problem. Earth's leaders organize a group of students to go back to the 20th century to teach children about the dangers of drug use.
I love when people from the future chastise me, but no one ever believes me.

Drugs Will Drag You Down
Elem. 30 minutes 1990
Tippy and his friends have a fun-filled day at the ranch, with animals, barn dancing, sing-alongs and hay rides. Danny tries to get the kids to have fun by taking drugs. Without losing Danny's friendship the children teach him to have fun without drugs.
Goddamned spoilsport kids - see what happens when you don't spank them?

Empowering the Inner Child
Adults 30 minutes 1991
Encourages viewers to seek the "magical time of childhood," perhaps for the first time. A family therapist and client discuss how to take those first rewarding steps to empowerment.
Look what this led to - the diaper-baby movement. Great.

Huffless, Puffless Dragon, The
Youth 9 minutes 1984
A cartoon story which portrays the consequences of smoking such as; hacking, gasping, choking, and shortness of breath.

Ice: New Drug, New Problem
Grades 7-12 19 minutes 1991
Introduces you to the chilling reality of this lethal drug of the '90's. Teaches about the perils of Ice through candid conversations with experts.
HA! The drug scare that never was.

Inhalants: The Tricky Drugs
Teens 7 minutes 1992
Designed to teach young people the dangerous consequences of inhalant abuse.
Films that "teach" always teach you how!

Is Your Baby Comfy?
Teens/Adults 20 minutes 1990
Gives specific instructions for new caregivers of alcohol and/or drug-exposed infants.
They may need a refill or some matches!

Keep Off the Grass: Hidden Dangers of Marijuana Use
Teens/Adults 27 minutes 1977
Designed for classroom use, this video teaches students about marijuana - its biological, social, and legal risks - and clears away the confusing misconceptions that surround this drug. Includes video, Teacher's Resource Book, and Student Worksheets.
1977 pot film? I bet I saw this in school ... and look at me now!

Learning The Ropes of Competitive Double Dutch
Jr High 20 minutes 1997
This video introduces the fast-paced sport of competitive Double Dutch jump roping. It follows the journey of Xiamara and her team. The story focuses primarily on the sport, and also aims to exalt this activity as a competitive sport and means of keeping children off the streets and away from drugs.
I guess that strategy really worked, eh?

Marketing Booze to Blacks
Teens/Adults 17 minutes 1990
Describes the health and social consequences of alcohol abuse in the African American community, and how advertising specifically aimed at this community seems to affect the usage and attitudes towards alcohol.
As opposed to whites, who will buy liquor w/out provocation.

Mom!! Louie's Looking At Me Again!
Teens/Adults 60 minutes 1987
Spend a fun-filled evening with Louie Anderson, a perceptive comic and adult child of an alcoholic, whose humor is hilarious and heartwarming.
Um, yeah.

One For My Baby
Teens/Adults 28 minutes 1982
This film builds an unambiguous case against the use of alcohol, in any amount, by pregnant women.
Double feature with "One More For The Road."

Playhouse, The (Part 1)
Children 3, 15 minutes programs 1990
Three programs: You Are A Wonderful Person To Know; The Pills; and Healthy & Clean.
Pills are Wonderful to Know - They Keep You Healthy and Your House Clean!

Poor Jennifer, She's Always Losing Her Hat
Adults 34 minutes 1991
Suzanne Sommers introduces this video about children of alcoholics (COA's). The purpose is to educate adults about the issues faced by COA's, and to encourage them to seek help and support when necessary.
I bet she peed her pants, too! That's where the thighmaster comes in.

President Bush
Grades 7-12 11 minutes 1987
Former President George Bush speaks directly to students about the drug problem in the U.S. He asks people to make a difference by helping one another.
Like his family has done for us

PSA's - 3 TV Spots
All 2 minutes 1994
Three short Public Service Announcements entitled: "Tea Party," and "Football."
Franklin Pangborn and Rosey Grier.

Raves: When the Music's Over
Teens 8 minutes c. N/A
Talks about the different drugs found in all night rave clubs.
In 8 minutes you'll know where to go to get what you need.

Rock Challenge "How To" Video
Teens 19 minutes c. N/A
Shows teens how to produce their own rock video.
Including how to get hot babes, guns, and substances. And how you will have them all the time when you are a rock star!

Spit Tobacco Kills
Grades 7-12 28 minutes 1996
This video goes from one venue to another, rodeo, baseball, ordinary people, etc. Each area has one or more people giving their experiences or opinions on spit tobacco. Richard Bender's experience is all too obvious as he relates his story.
Dick Bender teaches us about spit.

Through a Blue Lens
All 52 minutes 1999
A documentary where addicts openly talk about how they got to the streets.
Um ..."I opened the door and walked outside," maybe?

Twee, Fiddle, & Huff
Grades 1-5 17 minutes 1991
Charming and nonthreatening allegory that offers hope to young children living with parents affected by alcoholism and other addictions.
Tweak, Piddle, and Huff

Waking Up! From Dope
Teens/College 40 minutes 1984
Jevon Thompson uses humor and drama to explain the hard facts about the harmful effects of drugs and alcohol.
For those foggy mornings, we've found coffee helps.

Wizard of NO, The
Grades 1-5 19 minutes 1984
Young Billy is afraid that his friends will think he's a wimp if he doesn't smoke a cigarette. A wizard freed from a soda can helps Billy pinpoint the real problem -- low self esteem. The wizard shows Billy that he has the power to say "NO."
What they don't know is that Billy is already tripping on LSD, where wizards popping out of soda cans are normal, and you should always listen to them.

Working Drug Free/Adults 15 minutes 1990
Increases awareness of the dangers of illegal drugs on the job and helps employers comply with the Federal Drug Free Workplace Act.
Alt title: Dealing with the Dullness.

Young Dusty the Dragon
Pre-3rd Grade 12 minutes 1995
(Animated) Dusty the Dragon yearns to roar with other dragons! His Handsome Heart and Lung Sisters help him earn his roar by steering clear of cigarettes and spitting tobacco.
Starring Bing Crosby as Handsome Heart and The Andrews Sisters as the Lungs.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

The Hamburger Pimp - with Relish!

I love the Hamburger Pimp. Marky wanted me to do a post on The Lady Reed, aka Queen Bee, and I agree that's a great topic because the Lady R never got the acclaim she deserved. Check out her work on Rudy Ray Moore's "Sensuous Black Man" LP or her tour de force as Queen Bee aka "Queenie" in "Dolemite."

"I put your girls thru karate school - they're good, too."

However, the lack of Queen Bee clips on youtube brought me instead to the Hamburger Pimp, one of the best Dolemite characters ever. I showed this to my nephew when he was younger and we still joke about it.

Monday, March 3, 2008

working title: Mother Superior

One of my favorite films is The Trouble with Angels. Starring a radiant Hayley Mills (shaking off her Disney Studio moppet era) and Roz Russell, the film deals with two mischievous and curious teenage girls who enter a Catholic boarding school and wreak havoc with the teaching nuns. They explore the nuns' quarters on the sly, fill the sugar bowl with soap and just keep on coming up with "scathingly brilliant ideas" that cause endless amounts of comic confusion.

The film is directed beautifully by Ida Lupino (featuring locations in Ambler PA) and spans 3 years in the girls' friendship and development.

There is a terrific tribute site here with archival photos:

Unlike Roz Russell and Mary Wickes and Barbara Hunter (as "Marvel-Anne") who returned in the sequel "Where Angels Go, Trouble Follows", Hayley Mills opted out of playing Mary Clancy returning as the progressive Vatican 2-era Sister George. The role went to blonde Stella Stevens.

Character actor watch:
Mary Wickes (who also played a nun in Sister Act, and its sequel Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit) as Sister Clarissa. A nun jumping into a pool in gym shoes equals comedy.

Jesslyn Fax as a nursing home resident who complains about the home taking her social security.

Madge Blake from TV's Batman in the opening train scene complaining about Hayley Mills smoking. Mills bratty reply: "I'm not a child, Madame. I'm a midget with very bad habits."

Gypsy Rose Lee appears as an eccentric dance teacher.

Three Finger Joe

This is one of my favorite industrial films and funnily enough, Bob Dylan played the theme on his radio show this week. Mr Lethal was laughing because I sang along. How could you forget the words to this incredible theme song?

Even better, this was directed by master auteur Herk Harvey! The genius behind one of the greatest films ever, "Carnival of Souls." Check out the original color trailer:

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Paying The Rent

What do you do if you're a movie star and the big roles aren't coming your way anymore? Why, you shill for a major corporation, of course. Here are some of my favorite commericials by actors just paying the rent.

Brenda Vaccaro for Playtex tampons:

Margaret Hamilton for Maxwell House coffee:

Bert Lahr for Lay's potato chips:

Martha Raye (feat. Rocky Graziano) for Polident:

There is no embeddable link to this but you can see it here.

and my all time favorite, Orson Welles for Paul Masson wines: