HAG (sung to the tune of Madonna's Vogue)

my loving salute to character actresses and the screen ladies over a certain age.

HAG

What Are You Looking At?

Let it sag.
Let it sag.
Hag, Hag, hag
Hag, Hag, hag

Look around everywhere you turn you’ll find them
In shawls, or covered in lace (just look around)
You try everything you can to ignore
The pain of life on their face [it’s on their face]

When all else fails and you long to be
Something younger than you are today
I know a place where you can get away
It's called a movie show, and here's where they go, so

Chorus:

Come on, hag
Be a hard-working character actress [character actress]
Hag, Hag, Hag
Come on, Hag
Let your careers go with the flow [go with the flow]
You know you can do it

All you need is a great talent-agent
So use him that's what he’s for [that's what he’s for]
Look inside your bag, make sure y’have your medication
Make youngin’s open the door [open up the door]

It makes no difference if it's gray or white
In a bun or up with a curl
When the producer calls for a matronly wife
You're a superstar, yes, that's what you are, you know it

Come on, hag
Be a hard-working character actress [character actress]
(Hag, Hag, Hag)
Let it sag
Let your careers go with the flow [go with the flow]
You know you can do it

Take it where you can get it
so don’t cry or over-fret it
The gypsy hag of a musical
That's where you’ll feel so beautiful
Magical, Lucille Ball
So get onto that soundstage

Come on, hag
Be a hard-working character actress [character actress]
Hag, Hag, Hag
Let it sag
Let your careers go with the flow [go with the flow]
You know you can do it


Hag, [Hag]
Take it where you find it [move to the music]
Hag, [Hag]
Hags will have to bind it [go with the flow]

Beulah Bondi, Alice Pearce
Mary Wickes, they were fierce
Barbara Pepper, LaWanda Page
Broads who all embraced their age

Marie Dressler; Billie Burke
After 50, made it work.
Shirley Booth, a classic frump
Gladys Cooper, with a dowager’s hump

They had wisdom, they had sass
Marjorie Main, kicked some ass
Ellen Corby, embraced her grays
Bette Davis in her Disney Days

Ladies with their flab unfurled,
Jayne Mansfield’s Wild Wild World
Don't just stand there, let's get to it
Be a hag, there's nothing to it

Hag, Hag, Hag, Hag

Oooh, you've got to
Be the old bag on that marquee
Oooh, you've got to just
take a cue from dear ol’ Aunt Bea
Oooh, you've got to just,
Hag !

Cheri Caffaro

Chris Pissah turned me on to Cheri and was kinda surprised I hadn't seen her "Ginger" films. Ginger is a wealthy, well-educated political science major and former cheerleader, who is (without any clear explanation) recruited to break up a drug and prostitution gang on the Jersey Shore. Naturally, Ginger goes undercover which means topless bikini fights, helping hookers overcome their hatred of men by having lesbo sex with them, and dirty dancing with men up agains a pole, when she's not driving her flashy gold corvette. In a way, it's like the female Dolemite. Cheri is oddly unsettling ... she's bone-thin and super-platinum, but riveting nonetheless.

Here's the second in the Ginger series, "The Abductors," and like "Ginger," written and directed by her husband at the time, Don Schain, who is currently a producer on - of all things - High School Musical 3:



Here's an interview w/her from a few years ago. She didn't seem too happy to be found. Highlight:

To promote Ginger's theatrical release, Caffaro accepted her publicist's dare, to participate in a naked interview with esteemed New York Post columnist Earl Wilson in the Sherry Netherland Hotel in midtown Manhattan. (Wilson was fully clothed.)

Ida Lupino

Ida Lupino (February 4, 1918 – August 3, 1995) was an English film actress, director, and a pioneer among women filmmakers.

Lupino was a 1940s film star at Warner Bros. (Lupino often joked that she may have been the "poor man's Bette Davis" as an actress.) After a suspension from Warners in 1947, she focused on getting behind the camera. In 1948 she and her husband Collier Young formed their own filmmaking company, The Filmmakers. In 1950, when the director of "Not Wanted" suffered a heart attack, Ida took over as director; it was the start of another career for her. She began directing full-time, mostly 50s film melodramas, and was one of the few women of her era to achieve success in this field.

Lupino continued acting throughout the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s, and her directing efforts during these years were almost exclusively television productions such as Alfred Hitchcock Presents, The Twilight Zone, The Donna Reed Show, Gilligan's Island, 77 Sunset Strip, The Ghost & Mrs. Muir, The Rifleman, Bonanza, The Untouchables, The Fugitive, and Bewitched.

Watch her episode "A is for Aardvark" - the definitive fan-fave Bewitched episode. Originally, The Ashers (Bill and wife Liz Montgomery) wanted to do a sitcom called "The Fun Couple" about an absurdly rich heiress who marries a car mechanic. Eventually they were steered into the supernatural angle of witch marries mortal. The touching scene towards the end of this episode reiterates the show's core premise: that witchcraft (or rich-craft) is no substitute for love, affection and goals achieved through your own merit.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/10990/bewitched-a-is-for-aardvark

It's A DIRTY SHAME...

..that Al Gore's daughter, Kristen, had to rip-off Mr. John Waters for her feature debut project, NAILED, a David O. Russell-directed "rom-com" in pre-production in the Palmetto State. Cast in the leads: Jessica Biel and Jake Gyllenhaal.

From IMDb:

"A political satire in which Biel play Sammy Joyce, a socially awkward receptionist who gets hit in the head with a nail in an accident. This triggers her wild, sexual urges which causes her to fight in Washington for the rights of the bizarrely injured."

Synopsis of A DIRTY SHAME:

"An uptight, middle-aged, repressed woman turns into a sex addict after getting hit on the head, and she then falls into an underground subculture of sex addicts in suburban Baltimore."

Well, never mind! I will always prefer Johnny Knoxville to Jakey any day!

"One day we're going to discover a brand new sex act, one that's never been performed before. And we hope you'll be with us on that day of carnal rapture!"

Dino + ZsaZsa et voila!

Peep Show

Easter is upon us and knowing that Donna has a pathological hatred of Peeps, I feel that it is my duty as one of her oldest and dearest friends to exploit her fears for our entertainment. Here are some movie parodies that have been recast with marshmallow Peeps. Enjoy!

PEEP KONG



PEEP FLOYD THE WALL



PEEP WARS

Goofy Gophers - " indubitably "

When you mix the traits of pathological politeness with a dash of inquisitiveness and occasional maliciousness along with the vocal talents of Mel Blanc and Stan Freberg - you get Warner Brothers' GOOFY GOPHERS. They were featured in nine Looney Tunes films from 1947 through 1965 and later called "Mac and Tosh".

Designed by Warner Brothers director Bob Clampett as an antidote to Disney's sacharrine Chip 'n Dale, these pesky yet extremely well-mannered gophers were inspired by movie actors Edward Everett Horton and Franklin Pangborn.

More Quizzes!

Mark and I are just in that game-show mood. IMDB's keywords are so off the beam - not on the level of Amazon-reader reviews, but strangely random and bizarre.

Guess this Oscar-winning film:

Plot Keywords:

Singer / Topless Woman / Desert / 1950s / Piano

Georgie Pudgie - unforgettable sexPOT.

TRIVIA QUESTION --

without cheating and running to imdb

Q. What is the flick that gives us original big poppa George Kennedy in a love scene (with him showing skin)?

anybody? anybody?



















ANSWER:

Though George Kennedy did have a on-screen makeout scene in 1973's long lost "Lost Horizon" the Musical (starring Bobby Van), Kennedy had his biggest love scene in:

Airport '79 : The Concorde



George Kennedy had played Joe Patroni as chief mechanic in all the Airport films, except in the last and worst film of the franchise -- Patroni was re-written as a Concorde pilot !

and Kennedy (Capt. Patroni) ends up in the sack with Bibbi Anderson (a Parisian hooker). Now that's entertaiment! As studly Patroni tells a stewardess earlier in the film: "They don't call it the COCKpit for nothing, honey."

When Kennedy recounts his steamy night with his lady friend, his co-pilot Alain Delon answers, "For 2,000 francs she better have been special. As you Americans say; A real pro."

Here's another trivial funfact: Airport '79 is the only film of the series without one passenger carrying Louis Vuitton luggage. The film does have the original unchecked bag Martha Raye as comic relief, and Jimmie 'J.J'. Walker smoking weed in the lavatory though.

Electra Awful!

My sister used to love the Sid and Marty Krofft show “Electra Woman and Dyna Girl” when she was a pre-teen. I don't know why, but I decided to see if the opening credits were on you-tube so I could remind her of her young obsession. Of course it was... what isn't on you-tube? Besides the horror of having the theme song playing in my head for weeks now, I also discovered that in 2001, Sid and Marty tried to revive the show, “updating it” for a modern audience. This apparently meant that Electra Woman had to be a drunken, divorced trailer trash sex addict ( she is shown leaving the men's college locker room after a gang bang in one scene) while Dyna Girl was out of the picture, “blowing the ex-husband” we are told! Who was this “re-imagining”of a children's show aimed audience supposed to be? The actual story-line is very low budget after school special in plot. The young saved by Electra Woman as a child in turn saves the hero from her demons and becomes the new Dyna Girl after thwarting the lamest robbery ever. If this had ever hit the airwaves, who would have watched it? Well, practically everyone reading this blog.



On a side note, my research also discovered the star of “Wonderbug” John Anthony Bailey had an interesting life after his career as a children's TV star ended he became a sought after actor, writer and crewman... in porn. You may remember him from such films as “let me tell you about white chicks” and “sex fifth avenue (which he also wrote).



See what hanging around creepy puppets will do for your career!